'Walking out of the ground and going home, I was so relieved'

Such has been the effect of COVID-19 that the world has changed overnight, forever. While this is a new sensation for many people, it's the type of reality shift that any former sportsperson has already lived through to some extent when they decided to call it quits.

Cricbuzz takes stock of what this feels like, and what some of the effects have been, for cricketers who retired after lengthy careers by taking them back to the first day of the rest of their lives...

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First in in our new series is Phillip DeFreitas, who began his professional career in 1985 and finished up some 20 years later. He played more than 850 top class matches, including 44 Tests and 103 ODIs, and ended up with that rare double of more than 10,000 runs and 1000 wickets at first-class level. His retirement didn't come about the way he'd planned it. And it led to him falling out of love with the game and eventually to depression.

You retired at the end of the 2005 county season, finishing up at Leicestershire, the county you started with back in 1985?

The last season of my career I hardly played. I could go into the details, but I won't. It was the end of my contract. I knew things were coming to the end. Some people manage to plan it, do it at the end of a Test match or they'll do it at the end of a first-class game. I had a long career, but I didn't feel that I was ready to retire, and I don't think I retired on my own terms. The last two weeks of the season, I was literally ticking off every day. I didn't get to the stage where I thought 'Oh no this is coming to an end'. I couldn't wait for it to end. Walking out of the ground and going home, I was so relieved.

What was it like waking up the morning after that final day at Leicestershire?

It was quite unusual actually. I woke up at the normal time. It took me a few weeks to get out of the routine I'd kept as a cricketer. But I felt great and I thought 'Wonderful, that's done'. But I was also so upset and disappointed and sad because I knew that was it. My career, that was the end of it. I live, breathe, eat cricket; cricket is my life. That's all I wanted to do.

Was there a moment on that first day when it hit you that you were no longer a professional cricketer?

Not particularly but there was no getting away from the feeling that I was in the real world now. You can't just ring someone up and say 'Do you know someone to do this for me?' or 'Can you do that or can you get this?' You're actually in the real world and things like your car insurance, just silly things, suddenly you have to do that yourself.

You were known as a hard trainer throughout your career. Did you keep the training up when you finished?

I always trained but all of a sudden, what do I need to train for? I decided that I wasn't going to do anything for six months. I literally went from 13st 4lb (84 kg) - that was my last playing weight - to 15st (94 kg). I didn't do any sort of training, I switched off completely. I was eating and drinking as I wanted. But that kicked me into a depression. It really kicked me into depression. I don't think I was myself. I don't know what it was. I went into a strange... I don't know. It was weird really. I felt depressed, I felt low and I could see my body wasn't what it should be. Six months from training and being as fit as you can be to suddenly, you're 15 stone and you're thinking this is not me. I remember my wife saying to me I think you're depressed.

Did you seek professional help?

Yes, I went to speak to a doctor, and I said 'Look, I just don't feel myself'. I was struggling. And I remember one of the doctors said to me, 'What have you done throughout your career?' and, I said 'Well I've trained'. He told me to get back to the gym. They offered tablets and I said no. I didn't want them. I instead went back to the gym. I just felt a massive difference. I didn't go to get a six pack for the beach or anything like that. It was all about keeping myself sane really, just going in, doing some work, coming out and feeling good about myself. To this day it makes a big difference.

After you retired, what was your attitude to the game? Did you want to stay close to it?

That week after, I didn't want to know anything about cricket anymore. I didn't want to think about cricket, but you couldn't help think about it because people spoke to you about it. I had a month in the UK and then I was off to the Hong Kong Cricket Club for six months to coach. Because I was there it was all about cricket. But I switched off from the UK basically. I switched off from county cricket, I switched off from international cricket.

How long did that feeling last?

A while. Hong Kong was a break for me. I did a bit of coaching out there, having a bit of fun away. I managed to forget about retirement for a bit. But it really affected me when I came back to the UK in March. It's weird, some people miss different things and I just missed the pre-season, meeting up with the guys in March, when you get outside, when you knew it was all ready to get going. I found that really hard. I knew that I wasn't going to do that anymore.

It took me quite a few years to go and watch an England Test match. I was in Adelaide when England were there during the 2006/07 Ashes. I spent maybe an hour at the Test and then I walked away. Adelaide was one of my favourite grounds, but I just couldn't be there. I felt like I wanted to be out there playing. It wasn't until a few years later I ended up going and watching a few more Test matches.

Was that a strange feeling, not wanting to be at a cricket ground when cricket had been such an important part of your life?

Yeah it was strange. I look back and think why didn't I want to be there? I was watching the bowlers with the ball in hand, thinking that used to be me, that used to be a part of me. I had to take myself away. That was quite strange because cricket is my life. It was only a short time since I had retired - it had only been a year - and it was just too early to go back to it.

You did some coaching for Nottinghamshire, but you also kept playing for the Professional Cricketers' Association Masters team and the Lashings World XI. Did that help?

Yes, I did that from the season after I retired. You're in that dressing room environment again. It's funny, it's like you're recharging your battery every time you go there. You're with the guys and you feel good about yourself, which you miss. I'm still doing it now if I get the chance. Just meeting up with the guys in the changing room, having that bit of banter, talking about the old days. You talk cricket and it's a bit of a laugh. I think it keeps you sane really.